Teen Topics

For Parents of Teen Boys
What They Face – What You Can Do

 

Alcohol – What They Face

For young people, alcohol is the number one drug of choice. In fact, teens use alcohol more frequently and heavily than all other illicit drugs combined. Although most children under age 14 have not yet begun to drink, early adolescence is a time of special risk for beginning to experiment with alcohol. While some parents and guardians may feel relieved that their teen is “only” drinking, it is important to remember that alcohol is a powerful, mood-altering drug. Not only does alcohol affect the mind and body in often unpredictable ways, but teens lack the judgment and coping skills to handle alcohol wisely. As a result:

• Alcohol-related traffic crashes are a major cause of death among teens. Alcohol use also is linked with youthful deaths by drowning, suicide, and homicide.
• Teens who use alcohol are more likely to become sexually active at earlier ages, to have sexual intercourse more often, and to have unprotected sex than teens who do not drink.
• Young people who drink are more likely than others to be victims of violent crime, including rape, aggravated assault, and robbery.
• Teens who drink are more likely to have problems with school work and school conduct.
• An individual who begins drinking as a young teen is four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence than someone who waits until adulthood to use alcohol.

The message is clear: Alcohol use is very risky business for young people. And the longer children delay alcohol use, the less likely they are to develop any problems associated with it. That’s why it is so important to help your child avoid any alcohol use.
Alcohol – What You Can Do
For many parents, bringing up the subject of alcohol is no easy matter. Your young teen may try to dodge the discussion, and you yourself may feel unsure about how to proceed. To boost your chances for a productive conversation, take some time to think through the issues you want to discuss before you talk with your child. Also, think about how your child might react and ways you might respond to your youngster’s questions and feelings. Then choose a time to talk when both you and your child have some “down time” and are feeling relaxed.
Keep in mind, too, that you don’t need to cover everything at once. In fact, you’re likely to have a greater impact on your child’s drinking by having a number of talks about alcohol use throughout his adolescence. Think of this discussion with your child as the first part of an ongoing conversation.
And remember, do make it a conversation, not a lecture! Following are some topics for discussion:

• Your Child’s Views About Alcohol. Ask your young teen what he knows about alcohol and what he thinks about teen drinking. Ask your child why he thinks kids drink. Listen carefully without interrupting. Not only will this approach help your child to feel heard and respected, but it can serve as a natural “lead-in” to discussing alcohol topics.
• Important Facts About Alcohol. Although many kids believe they already know everything about alcohol, myths and misinformation abound. Here are some important facts to share:
• Alcohol is a powerful drug that slows down the body and mind. It impairs coordination; slows reaction time; and impairs vision, clear thinking, and judgment.
• Beer and wine are not “safer” than hard liquor. A 12-ounce can of beer, a 5-ounce glass of wine, and 1.5 ounces of hard liquor all contain the same amount of alcohol and have the same effects on the body and mind.
• On average, it takes 2 to 3 hours for a single drink to leave the body’s system. Nothing can speed up this process, including drinking coffee, taking a cold shower, or “walking it off.”
• People tend to be very bad at judging how seriously alcohol has affected them. That means many individuals who drive after drinking think they can control a car—but actually cannot.
• The “Magic Potion” Myth. The media’s glamorous portrayal of alcohol encourages many teens to believe that drinking will make them popular, attractive, happy, and “cool.” Research shows that teens who expect such positive effects are more likely to drink at early ages. However, you can help to combat these dangerous myths by watching TV shows and movie videos with your child and discussing how alcohol is portrayed in them. For example, television advertisements for beer often show young people having an uproariously good time, as though drinking always puts people in a terrific mood. Watching such a commercial with your child can be an opportunity to discuss the many ways that alcohol can affect people—in some cases bringing on feelings of sadness or anger rather than carefree high spirits.

In talking with your child about reasons to avoid alcohol, stay away from scare tactics. Most young teens are aware that many people drink without problems, so it is important to discuss the consequences of alcohol use without overstating the case. For example, you can talk about the dangers of riding in a car with a driver who has been drinking without insisting that “all kids who ride with drinkers get into crashes.” Some good reasons that teens shouldn’t drink:

• You want your child to avoid alcohol. Be sure to clearly state your own expectations regarding your child’s drinking and to establish consequences for breaking rules. Your values and attitudes count with your child, even though he may not always show it.
• To maintain self-respect. In a series of focus groups, teens reported that the best way to persuade them to avoid alcohol is to appeal to their self-respect—letting them know that they are too smart and have too much going for them to need the crutch of alcohol. Teens also pay attention to ways in which alcohol might cause them to do something embarrassing that might damage their self-respect and important relationships.
• Drinking is illegal. Because alcohol use under the age of 21 is illegal, getting caught may mean trouble with the authorities. Even if getting caught doesn’t lead to police action, the parents of your child’s friends may no longer permit them to associate with your child. If drinking occurs on school grounds, your child could be suspended.
• Drinking can be dangerous. One of the leading causes of teen deaths is motor vehicle crashes involving alcohol. Drinking also makes a young person more vulnerable to sexual assault and unprotected sex. And while your teen may believe he wouldn’t engage in hazardous activities after drinking, point out that because alcohol impairs judgment, a drinker is very likely to think such activities won’t be dangerous.
• You have a family history of alcoholism. If one or more members of your immediate or extended family has suffered from alcoholism, your child may be somewhat more vulnerable to developing a drinking problem. Your child needs to know that for him, drinking may carry special risks.

(Information adapted from www.about.com )

 

Drugs – What They Face

One-third of teens and nearly half of 17-year olds attend house parties where parents are present and teens are drinking, smoking marijuana or using cocaine, Ecstasy or prescription drugs, according to the National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse XI: Teens and Parents, an annual back-to-school survey conducted by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University.

CASA’s survey also reveals that teens who say parents are not present at the parties they attend are 16 times likelier to say alcohol is available, 15 times likelier to say illegal and prescription drugs are available and 29 times likelier to say marijuana is available, compared to teens who say parents are always present at the parties they attend.

Moreover, your teen is much more likely to be exposed to illegal drugs than teens of even just a few years ago. From 2004 to 2005:

• The percentage of teens who know a friend or classmate who has abused prescription drugs jumped 86%
• The percentage of teens who know a friend or classmate who has used Ecstasy is up 28%
• The percentage of teens who know a friend or classmate who has used illegal drugs such as acid, cocaine, or heroin is up 20%

 

Drugs – What You Can Do

• Make a plan. Before you engage your teen in a conversation, you’ll need to prepare yourself. Go for a walk, sit where you can’t be disturbed, and think. Reflect on the facts of the situation. Try to avoid negative feelings of anger and betrayal—as they won’t be useful to you in this conversation and may result in your child tuning out. Organize your thoughts. Decide what you want to say to your teen. Think about what resources you might need: a counselor, your faith leader, a school counselor, etc. Keep a dated journal of your feelings, discussions, and progress so that you can begin to identify a pattern of behavior.
• Present the facts. Set the tone wisely. Open the discussion with a statement of your love and concern for your teen. You could begin with a statement of the facts as you know them: you found drug paraphernalia in their room; your teen has violated curfews; their grades have slipped; your teen has changed from being a “good kid” to someone who is getting into trouble at home, or school, or in the community; or simply, you have noticed your teen has become quiet, secretive and has changed from the kid you used to know.
• Listen. After presenting the facts as you see them, ask your teen for his/her response to the information you’ve presented. Listen to your teen. Hear what he or she is saying. Try to determine if the problem is beyond your ability to help and therefore need to bring in a professional.
• Discuss. The next step is to discuss the shared information. This may be the most difficult part, as the tendency for both you and your teen will be to respond angrily to each other. Don’t accept flimsy excuses. Be steady and consistent in your approach. Don’t get lulled into “looking the other way” because it’s easier. Know that you are doing the right thing.
• Set Rules. Firmly and warmly make it very clear that you will not tolerate drug or alcohol use by your teen. Identify the consequences if they do use. Some parents find it hard to set down clear rules. For these parents, it might help if they commiserate with their teen. For example, “I know it’s difficult that I have to make these rules. But I wouldn’t be a good parent to you if I didn’t take care of your safety and make them.”

Some parents find it hard to remember to be affectionate while making clear rules. This parent may want to begin by recalling with the teen a time in the past when the teen followed a rule with good results. For example, “Remember the rule we have about doing your homework before any other activity? And look how well that worked out because you did so well in school.”

• Set Clear Consequences – Reward Good Behavior. Let your teen know that you will be holding him/her accountable for his/her actions—and that there will be consequences for not following the rules such as loss of privileges or restricting their curfew. Also consider offering incentives or rewards. “Catch them” doing something right.
• Road Blocks. Don’t be surprised if your teen gets up and walks away in anger. Let everyone cool down and prepare to have the conversation again. Some ways your teen may try to deflect the conversation are by saying: “Why are you making this such a big deal. Everybody does it.” “That’s not my stash; I was just holding it for a friend.” ”I only used once; I don’t hang out with those kids any more.” No matter what they say, calmly remind them, that nothing excuses your teen from using drugs or alcohol.
• Continue the Conversation. Determine a time when you and your teen will have the next talk. Talking to your kids about drugs is a continuous process—not an event. Let your teen know that you will be having another “meeting” with him or her to check in. However, if you find that you’re having the same conversation over and over and your message isn’t being heard, you may want to seek assistance from a health professional or coach.

(Information taken from www.theantidrug.com )

 

Dating and Sexuality – What They Face

Research suggests that parents can play a critical role in their children’s’ decisions about sex. In fact, teens report that their parents influence their decisions about sex more than their friends, the media, or their siblings. Moreover, a majority of teens agree that it would be easier for them to postpone sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents.

Dating and Sexuality – What You Can Do

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy has reviewed recent research about parental influences on children's sexual behavior and talked to many experts in the field, as well as to teens and parents themselves. From these sources, it is clear that there is much parents and adults can do to reduce the risk of kids becoming pregnant before they've grown up.
Presented here as "ten tips," many of these lessons will seem familiar because they articulate what parents already know from experience - like the importance of maintaining strong, close relationships with children and teens, setting clear expectations for them, and communicating honestly and often with them about important matters. Research supports these common sense lessons: not only are they good ideas generally, but they can also help teens delay becoming sexually active, as well as encourage those who are having sex to use contraception carefully.
Finally, although these tips are for parents, they can be used by adults more generally in their relationships with teenagers. Parents-especially those who are single or working long hours-often turn to other adults for help in raising their children and teens. If all these caring adults are on the same "wavelength" about the issues covered here, young people are given more consistent messages.

• Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes. Communicating with your children about sex, love, and relationships is often more successful when you are certain in your own mind about these issues. To help clarify your attitudes and values, think about the following kinds of questions:
• What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually active-perhaps even becoming parents?
• Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how is that done, realistically?
• Were you sexually active as a teenager and how do you feel about that now?
• Were you sexually active before you were married?
• What do such reflections lead you to say to your own children about these issues?
• What do you think about encouraging teenagers to abstain from sex?
• What do you think about teenagers using contraception?
• Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific. Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they'd most like to go to for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful. If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in movies as conversation starters. Tell them candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions. Ask what, if anything, worries them.

Age-appropriate conversations about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child's life and continue through adolescence. Resist the idea that there should be just one conversation about all this - you know, "the talk." The truth is that parents and kids should be talking about sex and love all along. This applies to both sons and daughters and to both mothers and fathers, incidentally. All kids need a lot of communication, guidance, and information about these issues, even if they sometimes don't appear to be interested in what you have to say. And if you have regular conversations, you won't worry so much about making a mistake or saying something not quite right, because you'll always be able to talk again.
Many inexpensive books and videos are available to help with any detailed information you might need, but don't let your lack of technical information make you shy. Kids need as much help in understanding the meaning of sex as they do in understanding how all the body parts work. Tell them about love and sex, and what the difference is. And remember to talk about the reasons that kids find sex interesting and enticing; discussing only the "downside" of unplanned pregnancy and disease misses many of the issues on teenagers' minds.
Here are the kinds of questions kids say they want to discuss:

• How do I know if I'm in love? Will sex bring me closer to my girlfriend/boyfriend?
• How will I know when I'm ready to have sex? Should I wait until marriage?
• Will having sex make me popular? Will it make me more grown-up and open up more adult activities to me?
• How do I tell my boyfriend that I don't want to have sex without losing him or hurting his feelings?
• How do I manage pressure from my girlfriend to have sex?
• How does contraception work? Are some methods better than others? Are they safe?
• Can you get pregnant the first time?

In addition to being an "askable parent," be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. Don't be reluctant to say, for example:

• I think kids in high school are too young to have sex, especially given today's risks.
• Whenever you do have sex, always use protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases until you are ready to have a child.
• Our family's religion says that sex should be an expression of love within marriage.
• Finding yourself in a sexually charged situation is not unusual; you need to think about how you'll handle it in advance. Have a plan. Will you say "no"? Will you use contraception? How will you negotiate all this?
• It's okay to think about sex and to feel sexual desire. Everybody does! But it's not okay to get pregnant/get somebody pregnant as a teenager.
• One of the many reasons I'm concerned about teens drinking is that it often leads to unprotected sex.
• (For boys) Having a baby doesn't make you a man. Being able to wait and acting responsibly does.
• (For girls) You don't have to have sex to keep a boyfriend. If sex is the price of a close relationship, find someone else.

By the way, research clearly shows that talking with your children about sex does not encourage them to become sexually active. And remember, too, that your own behavior should match your words. The "do as I say, not as I do" approach is bound to lose with children and teenagers, who are careful and constant observers of the adults in their lives.

• Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents. Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 pm and you don't get home from work until 6 pm, who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours, but also are engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your kids' whereabouts doesn't make you a nag; it makes you a parent.
• Know your children's friends and their families. Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children's friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child's friends share rather than one that makes him or her different-but even if your views don't match those of other parents, hold fast to your convictions. Welcome your children's friends into your home and talk to them openly.
• Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating. Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know about your strong feelings about this throughout childhood-don't wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don't like the particular person or invitation.
• Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is. Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl-sometimes they even have money and a car to boot! But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at most three-) year age difference. The power differences between younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex and sex with no protection.
• Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood. The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appears bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. Tell them, for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will need to stay in school in order to earn various degrees and pass certain exams. It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way, such as setting aside certain times to complete homework assignments. Explain how becoming pregnant-or causing pregnancy-can derail the best of plans; for example, child care expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.
• Let your kids know that you value education highly. Encourage your children to take school seriously and set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your children's progress in school and intervene early if things aren't going well. Keep track of your children's grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors, and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school, if possible. Schools want more parental involvement and will often try to accommodate your work schedule, if asked.
• Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to. The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why. Be "media literate"-think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to. You can always turn the TV off, cancel subscriptions, and place certain movies off limits. You will probably not be able to fully control what your children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.
• These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help:
• Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.
• Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.
• Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their ages and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a "bank account" of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.
• Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
• Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule. Don't compare your teenager with other family members (i.e., why can't you be like your older sister?). Show that you expect courtesy and respect from them in return.
• Help them to build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.
• Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, and use the time for conversation, not confrontation.

A final note: it's never too late to improve a relationship with a child or teenager. Don't underestimate the great need that children feel--at all ages--for a close relationship with their parents and for their parents' guidance, approval, and support.
(Information taken from www.teenpregnancy.org )

 

Depression – What They Face

Occasional melancholy, bad moods and short periods of feeling down are common in adolescence. Major depression, however, limits an adolescent's ability to function normally. Depression in teenagers is characterized by a persistent sad mood, irritability, feelings of hopelessness or the inability to feel pleasure or happiness for an extended period of time—weeks, months or years.
Early symptoms of adolescent depression can be difficult to diagnose because they appear to be a normal part of the difficulties adolescents face. Depression may be indicated if an adolescent experiences an unusual degree of the following symptoms:

• changes in eating and sleeping habits (eating and sleeping too much or too little)
• significant weight gain or loss
• missed school, poor school performance and/or a sudden decline in grades
• withdrawal from friends and family
• no longer enjoying activities that were once pleasurable
• indecision, lack of concentration, or forgetfulness
• feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• overreaction to criticism, irritability
• feeling that nothing is worth the effort
• frequent health complaints when no physical ailment exists
• anger, rage, anxiety
• lack of enthusiasm and motivation
• drug/alcohol abuse, thoughts of death or suicide

Depression – What You Can Do
It is difficult for caring, concerned parents to see their children struggling. Sometimes parents wonder if their teen is being melodramatic or "just trying to get attention" with challenging behavior. Even if that were the case, it would indicate a need for some appropriate response.
The first problem is to distinguish between a more serious depression and "normal," typical adolescent moodiness, caused by hormonal changes and brain growth spurts. For example, it is common for girls to become moody, edgy, and anxious just before and during menstruation, and maybe even longer, if she suffers from hormonal problems. If grouchy behavior seems to have a pattern or cycle, it is likely the symptoms are tied to hormonal changes, and are not indicative of clinical depression. In contrast, one hallmark of clinical depression is the tendency to become isolated—to stop talking to family, and to stop spending time with friends—and this kind of moodiness does not seem to lift after a couple of weeks.
Rushing to a therapist when symptoms are actually within the range of normal can have several negative effects:

• the child feels like there must be something wrong with himself or herself, which can tip a fragile balance toward lowered self-esteem
• there may be a long-lasting stigma attached to a diagnosis
• medications may be prescribed unnecessarily, and without careful monitoring

If you suspect depression:

• Respond with love, kindness, and support.
• Repeatedly let your child know that you are there, whenever she or he needs you
• Be gentle but persistent if your adolescent shuts you out (depressed teenagers do not want to feel patronized or crowded). Do not ask a lot of questions, but make known your concern and your willingness to listen.
• Do not criticize or pass judgment once the adolescent begins to talk (the important thing is that he or she is talking and communicating feelings).
• Encourage activity and praise efforts to socialize and be active.
• Seek help from a doctor or mental health professional if the adolescent's depressed feeling doesn't pass with time. Be prepared to list behaviors, note how long and how often they have been occurring, and how severe they seem.
• Do not wait and hope that symptoms will go away on their own. When depression is severe—if adolescents are thinking about hurting themselves or about suicide—seek professional help as soon as possible.
• Parents of depressed adolescents may themselves need support. Seek out groups of parents who have experience with teen depression.

The single most important thing a parent can do to break down the social isolation that is at the heart of adolescent problems is to LISTEN:

• listen when your children talk
• listen to their music
• spend more time with them and be involved in their activities
• take them to movies and concerts, and discuss them afterward
• know their friends, and listen to them as well
• do not lecture or offer unsolicited advice or ultimatums
• do not try to talk them out of their feelings or solve their problems, just acknowledge the pain and sadness they are feeling
• do not compare your teen’s feelings, reactions or experiences to your own or to someone else’s

A parent can—and should—express their concerns directly. It is not easy to connect with teens in this way, and parents may need professional guidance to assist them. Yes, it is likely that the teenager will get angry and will say harsh things ("It's none of your business!" "Get out of my room!" "I hate you!"), but this kind of response is often an unintentional test to see if you are really able to help them. Depressed teenagers will seek answers to the following questions before confiding in an adult:

• Will you be able to handle my big feelings? (Often children will keep their feelings inside if they worry that their parents already have too much on their minds or are depressed themselves. If you yourself are experiencing depression or extreme stress, get your own help and support so that you can better help your child.)
• Can I trust you to hang in there with me, even when I act like this?
• Can I rely on you to be here for me and not to walk away or push me away?
• Will you provide a strong and safe place for me—walls that do not cave in even when I push them?
• Will you love me even when I don't know how to love myself or you?

Parents who show their kids that disagreements and painful feelings can safely be expressed—and that they can be resolved—make it safe for their kids to open up to them. The sharing of confusion, sadness, loneliness, shame, and other strong emotions often decreases the intensity, and opens the way for real communication, which in turn reduces the isolation that is such a large part of depression.

 

(Information Taken from www.helpguide.org)