--- title: Loving Your Spouse More Than Your Kids description: A few years ago, Ayelet Waldman wrote an article in the New York Times about how she loves her husband more than her children. It caused quite an upr image: https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/file-20553467-jpg/images/keithurbannicolekidman-resized-600.jpg --- [Skip to main content](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/bid/135277/loving-your-spouse-more-than-your-kids#main) - [![NFI mark](https://www.fatherhood.org/hubfs/NFI-Assets/images/NFI%20mark.svg)FATHERHOOD.ORG](https://www.fatherhood.org/) - [STORE.FATHERHOOD.ORG](https://store.fatherhood.org/) [![NFI_logo_blue_left (1) 1](https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/hubfs/NFI-Assets/images/NFI_logo_blue_left%20(1)%201.png?width=149&height=82&name=NFI_logo_blue_left%20(1)%201.png) ![NFI_logo_blue_left (1) 1](https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/hubfs/NFI-Assets/images/NFI_logo_blue_left%20(1)%201.png?width=119&height=65&name=NFI_logo_blue_left%20(1)%201.png) ![NFI_logo_blue_left (1) 1](https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/hubfs/NFI-Assets/images/NFI_logo_blue_left%20(1)%201.png?width=119&height=66&name=NFI_logo_blue_left%20(1)%201.png) ![NFI_logo_blue_left (1) 1](https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/hubfs/NFI-Assets/images/NFI_logo_blue_left%20(1)%201.png?width=89&height=49&name=NFI_logo_blue_left%20(1)%201.png) ](https://www.fatherhood.org) - [How To Build Strong Families](https://www.fatherhood.org/build-strong-families) - [Why Father Inclusion Matters](https://www.fatherhood.org/why-father-inclusion-matters) - Show submenu for Get Involved Get Involved - [Fatherhood Programs](https://www.fatherhood.org/solutions/programs-and-resources) - [Train Your Staff](https://www.fatherhood.org/solutions/staff-training) - [State, County, and City Agency Services](https://www.fatherhood.org/solutions/collaborative-services) Open main navigation Close main navigation - Show submenu for Get Informed Get Informed - [How To Build Strong Families](https://www.fatherhood.org/build-strong-families) - [Why Father Inclusion Matters](https://www.fatherhood.org/why-father-inclusion-matters) - [Father Stats & Infographics](https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic) - Show submenu for Get Involved Get Involved - [Fatherhood Programs](https://www.fatherhood.org/solutions/programs-and-resources) - [Train Your Staff](https://www.fatherhood.org/solutions/staff-training) - [State, County, and City Agency Services](https://www.fatherhood.org/solutions/collaborative-services) - Show submenu for Get Started Get Started - [Find Your Stage of Father Inclusion](https://www.fatherhood.org/father-inclusion) - [How Father Friendly Is Your Organization?](https://www.fatherhood.org/father-friendly) - [Get In Touch](https://www.fatherhood.org/get-started) [Store](https://store.fatherhood.org/?hsLang=en) [Get In Touch](https://www.fatherhood.org/get-started) [Store](https://store.fatherhood.org/?hsLang=en) Show submenu for Get Started Get Started - [Fatherhood Data & Statistics](https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic) - [How Father Friendly is Your Organization?](https://www.fatherhood.org/father-friendly) - [Other Free Resources](https://www.fatherhood.org/nfi-free-resources) - [Talk With us to Get Started](https://www.fatherhood.org/get-started) National Fatherhood Initiative Blog / [Latest Articles](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood) [General Fatherhood Research & Studies](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/topic/general-fatherhood-research-studies) # Loving Your Spouse More Than Your Kids 2 min read ![Vincent DiCaro](https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/hub/135704/file-528182185.jpg?width=100&height=100&name=file-528182185.jpg) [** Vincent DiCaro ** ](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/author/vincent-dicaro) Vince is NFI's Vice President of Communication and Development. He is married to Claudia, has one son with another son on the way and lives in Maryland. A few years ago, [Ayelet Waldman wrote an article in the New York Times about how she loves her husband more than her children](http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/27love.html?_r=1). It caused quite an uproar in the community of moms who called her a "bad mother" (and a lot worse) because of this. ![keith urban nicole kidman idol](https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/file-20553467-jpg/images/keithurbannicolekidman-resized-600.jpg)Well, it's happened again, but this time, it is a dad saying he loves his wife more than his children. It also happens to be a very famous married couple, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. Urban recently revealed in an interview that he loves Nicole more than their two children. To do justice to what he said, I have copied the entire quote here: "We're very, very tight as a family unit and the children are our life, but I know the order of my love. It's my wife and then my daughters. I just think it's really important for the kids...There are too many parents who start to lose the plot a little and start to give all their love to the kids, and then the partner starts to go without. And then everybody loses. As a kid, all I needed to know was that my parents were solid. Kids shouldn't feel like they are being favoured. It's a dangerous place." Urban may not even realize it, but what he said is incredibly profound. His family is in Australia, so things may be different there, but here in the U.S., we have become so child-centered that you are attacked when you make such statements (Editor's note: I realize this sentence can be misconstrued. Being child-centered is great. The point is that the most child-centered thing you can do is have a great marriage. So maybe "child-centeredness" is not the problem as much as "anti-marriageness" is). Some respondents to Urban's statement suggested that it is inappropriate to not love your own flesh and blood more than your spouse. But research seems to back Urban's mentality. Generally speaking, the most important relationship in the home is the one between mom and dad. As Urban states, if their relationship fails, everyone loses. While we don't yet have research that shows specifically that marriages in which the spouses love each other more than the kids produce "better kids," we do know that kids who grow up in married homes do better, on average, across every measure of child well-being. We also know that divorce is not good for children. We also know that parents who are married to each other are closer to each other and to their kids than parents in any other family structure. Put that all together, and what Urban says looks pretty good. Back in 2005, [Ms. Waldman appeared on Oprah](http://bit.ly/HX7poL) to defend this notion of loving one's spouse more than one's children. [Our very own president, Roland Warren, was on the show to affirm her position](http://bit.ly/HX7poL). It was very much her (and Roland) against the world. None of the moms on the show agreed with them. But I would ask those who are angered by this notion if they have "checked it" with their children. As Urban so eloquently states above, the only thing that mattered to him was that his parents were "solid." That is where children get their sense of identity and stability from. So, when we dote on our kids at the expense of our spouse, are we doing so because we know our kids want that, or are we really just fulfilling our own selfish needs? After all, it is "easier" to love a child, who typically loves you back without question. Things are messier with adults and they take more work. So, before we jump on the Ayelet Waldmans and Keith Urbans of the world, let's at least consider this question from the perspective of what kids really need. What do you think? Who do you love more, your spouse or kids? photo credit: [SynergyByDesign](http://www.flickr.com/photos/_synergy_/8403752118/) Date Published: 04/05/2012 Last Updated: 01/10/2018 ## Learn How to Build a Fatherhood Program That Works Download this free guide for a proven 7-step roadmap—from making the case and securing funding for your program, to launching and measuring real results! [Get The Guide Now!](https://www.fatherhood.org/starting-a-fatherhood-program) ![7-steps-starting-a-fatherhood_program](https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/hubfs/Images/7-steps-starting-a-fatherhood_program.png?width=700&height=700&name=7-steps-starting-a-fatherhood_program.png) [ Previous ](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/bid/135278/parenting-is-still-a-code-word-for-mothering) [ Next ](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/bid/135276/the-hunger-games-or-trying-to-get-a-two-year-old-to-eat) ## Related Articles ### [24:7 Dad® + Case Management = A Winning Combo A few months ago, I spoke with two researchers who recently completed an evaluation of a fatherhood program that uses 24:7 Dad® as its foundation. They were planning to submit a ... Read More](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/247-dad-plus-case-management-winning-combo) ### [The Message Parenting Educators Still Need to Hear I participated recently in a panel at a virtual conference for parenting educators. The discussion centered on the challenges today’s parents face and how parenting educators can ... Read More](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/message-parenting-educators-still-need-to-hear) ### [The $154 Billion Problem Many Communities Are Ignoring — And How to Fix It If the U.S. can spend $154 billion in only one year addressing the effects of father absence, the real question is not whether this is a problem—it’s whether we are addressing it ... Read More](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/the-154-billion-problem-many-communities-are-ignoring-and-how-to-fix-it) ### Explore Topics [NFI-Specific Programs & Resources](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/topic/nfi-specific-programs-resources) [Tips & Tricks](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/topic/tips-tricks) [General Fatherhood Program Resources](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/topic/general-fatherhood-program-resources) [General Fatherhood Research & Studies](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/topic/general-fatherhood-research-studies) [Success Stories](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/topic/success-stories) [NFI News & Updates](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/topic/nfi-news-updates) [Program Recruitment & Retention](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/topic/program-recruitment-retention) [Research on NFI Programs & Resources](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/topic/research-on-nfi-programs-resources) [Fundraising](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/topic/fundraising) [All Posts](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/all) ### Subscribe to Championing Fatherhood ![Laptop with NFI store website opened](https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/hubfs/NFI-Assets/images/Laptop%20with%20NFI%20store%20website%20opened.png?width=279&height=167&name=Laptop%20with%20NFI%20store%20website%20opened.png) ### Get the Father Engagement Resources You Need [ Visit Online Store ](https://cta-service-cms2.hubspot.com/web-interactives/public/v1/track/click?encryptedPayload=AVxigLKw4WaOo8902iPmpW%2ByUsyBSKuq3qkzqNyXpzwPOccE0AXP2KES9oXgU9nIB8fuwW%2BqIn%2Fks1zUl4Xat3EfgSWc9L3SpStWlNlgOYxw5gMRlbHlSTv5NllcFgvU6lYkSZwB5VyC1gksPebRm5z%2FxU8k1Flp%2FIqV%2FKhmFjDSTcs%3D&portalId=135704) [![NFI_logo_blue_left (1) 1 (1)](https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/hubfs/NFI-Assets/images/NFI_logo_blue_left%20(1)%201%20(1).png?width=148&height=88&name=NFI_logo_blue_left%20(1)%201%20(1).png) ](https://www.fatherhood.org) [![Facebook](https://www.fatherhood.org/hubfs/NFI-Assets/images/Facebook.svg) ](https://www.facebook.com/nationalfatherhoodinitiative/) [![LinkedIn](https://www.fatherhood.org/hubfs/NFI-Assets/images/LinkedIn.svg) ](https://www.linkedin.com/company/national-fatherhood-initiative) [![candid-seal-platinum-main](https://www.fatherhood.org/hs-fs/hubfs/Images/email/candid-seal-platinum-main.png?width=100&height=100&name=candid-seal-platinum-main.png) ](https://www.fatherhood.org) About - [Our Mission](https://www.fatherhood.org/our-mission) - [Our Impact](https://www.fatherhood.org/our-impact) - [Our History](https://www.fatherhood.org/history) - [Our Board & Staff](https://www.fatherhood.org/leadership) - [Contact Us](https://www.fatherhood.org/contact-us) Train Your Staff - [Program Facilitator Training](https://www.fatherhoodpractitioners.org/collections/core-programs) - [Earn Your Certificates](https://www.fatherhoodpractitioners.org/collections/certificates) - [Live Group Training](https://www.fatherhood.org/training-institute) Fatherhood Programs - [24:7 Dad®](https://store.fatherhood.org/shop-by-program/24-7-dad/) - [ProFathering15™](https://store.fatherhood.org/profathering15) - [24:7 Dad Key Behaviors™ Workshop](https://store.fatherhood.org/247-dad-key-behaviors-workshop-facilitators-kit/) - [InsideOut Dad®](https://store.fatherhood.org/insideout-dad-facilitators-kit/) - [Understanding Dad™](https://store.fatherhood.org/understanding-dad-facilitators-kit/) - [Co-Parenting Program Bundle](https://store.fatherhood.org/co-parenting-group-based-facilitators-bundle/) Fatherhood Data - [Free Data & Infographics](https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic) - [Father Facts™ 9 Publication](https://store.fatherhood.org/father-facts-ninth-edition/) - [Father Facts Poster Sets](https://store.fatherhood.org/posters) - [Father Involvement Brochures](https://store.fatherhood.org/brochures) Free Resources - [Father Friendly Check-Up™](https://www.fatherhood.org/ffcu) - [Fatherhood Program Selection Tool](https://www.fatherhood.org/program-selector) - [Championing Fatherhood Blog](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood) - [Help Center](https://help.fatherhood.org/) - [**FatherSource™ Store**](https://store.fatherhood.org/) --- © 2026 National Fatherhood Initiative®. All rights reserved. - [FAQs](https://www.fatherhood.org/faq) - [Privacy Policy](https://www.fatherhood.org/privacy-policy) - [Terms of Service](https://www.fatherhood.org/terms-of-service) - [Cookies Settings](https://www.fatherhood.org/privacy-policy)