Why Helping Dads Reduce This Source of Children’s Trauma is So Crucial

If I asked you to pick one source of children’s trauma to reduce, what would you choose? 

If you chose any of the 10 adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) that lead to childhood trauma, I wouldn’t argue with your choice.

You won’t find conflict between parents, or interparental conflict, in any list of ACEs, at least that I’ve seen. However, interparental conflict can contribute to most ACEs, such as children witnessing domestic violence, living with parents who have mental health and substance abuse issues, and eventually being separated from a parent. That’s why helping dads reduce conflict with their children’s mothers, or other co-parents, should be part of any effort to support dads.

Help Dads Reduce Conflict

Aside from the contribution that interparental conflict can have in creating childhood trauma, the effects of ongoing interparental conflict itself can be devastating for all family members. It negatively affects children’s cognition, behavior, and psychological reactions to conflict. These children often have lower self-esteem and coping abilities. They’re more likely to blame themselves for the conflict and can struggle with their own relationship problems. The more frequently children experience this conflict, the greater the risk of negative outcomes.

Interparental conflict also negatively impacts parenting. It affects parents' physical health, including cardiovascular health. This conflict raises parents’ blood pressure, strains the heart, and increases cortisol levels, the stress hormone. These immediate effects can contribute to long-term health issues such as weight gain, chronic high blood pressure, and elevated blood sugar. Additionally, interparental conflict can cause mental health problems in parents, like anxiety, depression, and decreased self-esteem.

Change the Approach to Conflict

Helping dads reduce interparental conflict begins by shifting how they approach conflict from an issue to be avoided to an opportunity for strengthening the co-parenting relationship and their own fathering. Share the following four-part framework with dads.

• Conflict is normal. Every co-parenting relationship has it—what matters is how you resolve it. Healthy resolution strengthens your relationship and benefits your children.
• Conflict can help you grow. Don’t fear it. Ask: How can this help me grow? Improve my relationship? Benefit our children?
• Know what you want. Before resolving conflict, ask: What do I want for myself, my co-parent, and our children?
• Think win-win. Avoid “I win, you lose.” Aim for outcomes where both parents—and the children—gain something.

With that framework in place, share this six-step process with dads for working with their co-parent to resolve conflict:

1. Identify the conflict. Focus on one issue at a time and make sure you both agree on what it is.
2. Own it. The person who caused the conflict takes responsibility. If both contributed, co-own it—progress depends on shared ownership.
3. Clarify why resolution matters. Discuss why solving it benefits your children and your relationship.
4. Review past efforts. List what’s been done to fix it, individually or together.
5. Brainstorm solutions. Come up with realistic options, list their pros and cons, and narrow down the choices.
6. Choose a resolution. The person (or both) responsible decides the best path forward.

To help you share the four-part framework and six steps for resolving conflict, use the How to Resolve Conflict brochure from National Fatherhood Initiative^®. Distribute it during community events where dads are present and to dads participating in your fatherhood and other programs. It’s an excellent conversation starter!

How do you assist dads in improving their co-parenting relationships?

Are you interested in providing dads with a resource that offers even more guidance on building positive co-parenting connections? My new book, The 24:7 Dad: 12 Habits of Confident Fathers, offers additional advice on creating healthy co-parenting relationships and much more. Learn more at confidentfathers.com!