Mobile Toggle
btn-shop-fathersourcehomepage-btnbrn-free-resources
rsstwfbenews

The Father Factor

subpage-image

What Annie Needed That Every Kid Needs

The great cast, the catchy songs, and the cute dog...it's all back in a fresh way with the new family movie, Annie. But, I'd regret it if all I did was talk about the cuteness of this film and tell you to head to theaters this weekend. Yes, the cast is great, the songs are catchy, and the dog is cute. And yes, you should go see it this weekend. But, more than this; I hope what jumped out at me will jump out at you...the story...especially one scene.

annie-cover-for-blogOn any given day in America, there are more than 400,000 children in foster care. Today, there are 102,000 children in the U.S. foster care system waiting to be adopted. Many will never find a permanent family. Youth aging out of foster care face challenges without a permanent family. As you know from The Father Absence Crisis in America, when a child is growing up in a father-absent home, he or she is more likely to face unique challenges in several areas, to name a few:

The scene that impressed me the most was when Will Stacks (Jamie Foxx) decides to foster Annie (Quvenzhané Wallis), and the NYC case manager visits Stacks' home where Annie is to stay. The case manager visits with clipboard-checklist in hand as per the usual. What she finds is not typical. 

Annie's case manager walks into Stacks' plush Manhattan highrise and begins to run down her checklist for whether or not he meets the requirements of the state for fostering Annie. Please note how fostering children works, the state looks to see whether a child's most basic needs can be met. While situations can vary and requirements differ among states, there are general needs foster parents are usually responsible for ensuring. For instance, AdoptUSKids points out foster parents should ensure basic medical needs, day-to-day needs (food, clothing, and school supplies), and sleeping arrangements. 

Imagine the case manager's surprise when she arrives to check for running water and a bathroom and instead finds Will Stacks' sprawling highrise. This scene made me reconsider what it takes to be a fit parent—all the seemingly small, yet great tasks that make a dad a great dad.

In that moment, screening Annie in a dark screening room high in the New York City clouds, I was taken back to the basic needs of a child and what really matters. On screen, Annie gets more than she needed and certainly more than she could've dream while holding a mop for Miss Hannigan (Cameron Diaz).

Watch the film and you will be swept up in the glory of it all too. Does it take money? Sure, some. Does it take four walls and running water? Well, the state thinks so. Does it take power and celebrity? Nope. Watch and you'll see Will and Annie's relationship deepen from what Stacks can give Annie—to what Annie gives Stacks. 

The story of this remake is the moments when only Will and Annie are on screen. Take in these little moments as they make a meal together, play with the dog, and toss a ball in the park. Notice these are things any father can do with his child, whether he owns a phone company or not. This is the story that makes the movie worth watching and recreating for a new generation. 

We often say a great dad is three things: involved, responsible, and committed. Notice anything about these three words? They don't require a large bank account—or a Manhattan apartment. We define these three words as part of being a Double Duty Dad

  • INVOLVED—he gives of his time and takes an interest in the well-being of the child or father he mentors.
  • RESPONSIBLE—he is a good role model (in his personal and professional life) for a child or a father and takes care to keep those he mentors safe from physical and emotional danger.
  • COMMITTED—he is reliable and keeps his promises.

The new remake of Annie is more than the catchy songs, the great cast, and the cute dog. My two young daughters will enjoy the film for these three things now. But, as my daughters grow with this film, they will see a great example of a strong father-daughter bond being formed on screen. Don't take this film lightly, parents. Make no mistake, this movie is about father absence. It's about adoption. It's about an opportunity to do something today, not tomorrow. When you hear Annie sing "tomorrow" in theaters this weekend, remember Annie lived with a room full of children that deserve a family too.  

Become a Double Duty Dad®

DDD_200x200

24 million children are growing up in America without their father in the home. You probably know at least one.

You can make a difference:

1) to a fatherless child in your circle of influence or 
2) mentor another dad. 

We call this being a Double Duty Dad.

Finding Your Place in Fatherhood

My oldest daughter, Audrey, is turning four this month. I look back on the last four years and I am amazed at how much my life has changed. I was in college when she was born; now I am finishing up graduate school. I lost about 50 pounds, and I have gained about 10 pounds back. Most of my friends from then barely recognize me. Most importantly, I am now a husband and a father.


finding-your-place-in-fatherhood
You see, I met my wife when she was 9 months pregnant with Audrey. I was a sophomore in college and we met when a group of our friends went to a corn maze. (We’re from the Midwest so this is what we do for fun.) Soon after Audrey was born, we started dating. I had no idea what I was doing.

Most of my friends thought that I was crazy to date a girl with a child. My parents definitely thought I had gone nuts. All I knew is that there was something special about her and that little baby.

After dating for about six months we began talking about marriage, and unsurprisingly, my wife’s mother, my now mother-in-law, sat me down to have “the talk.” I’m sure she said some very influential things but the only topic I remember talking about was Audrey. She told me she wanted a man to come into Audrey’s life that would never call Audrey a step-child, but call her his own.

That’s when it got real for me. I was going to be a dad. Yes, technically a step-dad, but since then I have realized there is little difference. I know my experience is different than many of yours. Many men come in as step-fathers and have to deal with the dynamic of being the third (or fourth) parent. Finding your place in that has to be difficult. However, how I feel about Audrey, how I treat her, what I call her (my daughter, my princess, or my Aud-ball) could never change even if her biological father came back into the picture.

A few weeks before getting married, a friend asked me the story of how I fell in love with my wife. I told the story and we both cried a little, but then she asked me for another story- the story of how I fell in love with Audrey. How do you explain falling in love with a child? How do you explain the feeling of going from a single guy to a father and husband in a year?

My story was simple. I told her of the time that Audrey and I spent together. I spoke about hugging her, and kissing her, and watching her sleep. Then I told her about my dreams for Audrey; I never realized until that point that I had dreams for her. I assure you there were tears when telling that. 

In the end, we look much like any other family now. Most of our friends don’t know that Audrey is not my biological offspring. No one would ever tell me she is not my child because they would get promptly corrected. I’ve allowed myself to fall in love with this little girl. I’ve allowed myself to dream for her. I’ve claimed her, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Connecting_with_your_child_cover

 

Download The Ultimate Guide to Connecting With Your Child

 

Father Factor Spotlight: Annie > In Theaters 12/19 (Official Trailer)

The holidays are here. I know, I know, you're tree isn't decorated yet and all the busyness of work, family, and school are getting the better of you. What better time than the holidays to escape the madness safely in a theater watching a classic remake. The new version of the Broadway classic is in to theaters soon and is the perfect movie for fathers and families.

About Annie

annie-cover-art

The Broadway classic that has delighted families for generations comes to theaters with a new, modern spin in Columbia Pictures' comedy, Annie.

Academy Award® nominee Quvenzhané Wallis (Beasts of the Southern Wild) stars as Annie, a young, happy foster kid who’s also tough enough to make her way on the streets of New York in 2014.

Originally left by her parents as a baby with the promise that they’d be back for her someday, it’s been a hard knock life ever since with her mean foster mom Miss Hannigan (Cameron Diaz).

But everything’s about to change when the hard-nosed tycoon and New York mayoral candidate Will Stacks (Jamie Foxx) – advised by his brilliant VP, Grace (Rose Byrne) and his shrewd and scheming campaign advisor, Guy (Bobby Cannavale) – makes a thinly-veiled campaign move and takes her in. Stacks believes he’s her guardian angel, but Annie’s self-assured nature and bright, sun-will-come-out-tomorrow outlook on life just might mean it’s the other way around. Can you say "fatherhood story"?!

Director/Producer/Screenwriter Will Gluck teams with producers James Lassiter, Jada Pinkett Smith & Will Smith, Caleeb Pinkett, Shawn "JAY Z" Carter, Laurence "Jay" Brown, Tyran "Ty Ty" Smith with a modern telling that captures the magic of the classic characters and original show that won seven Tony Awards.

Get a Sneak Peek of Annie!

Watch the official trailer for Annie.


Read Today for a Brighter Tomorrow

"Read Today for a Brighter Tomorrow" was inspired by the upcoming film Annie. The reading program is perfect for mom, dad and child as it encourages you to read together and has a family reading activity -- Great Books Bring Families Together! The site also has reading tips for parents.

As part of the reading program, Sony has created free Annie Activity Books, bookmarks, stickers and folded posters that we can give to fatherhood organizations—just email me at rsanders@fatherhood.org if you're interested. 

If you would like to participate in the "Read Today for a Brighter Tomorrow" program, there are lots of free educational materials at http://www.scholastic.com/annie/. The program:

  • Focuses on the need for diverse books, providing lesson plans and librarian-created reading lists.
  • Provides fun opportunities for kids and/or families to create Reading Journal Scrapbooks.
  • Offers free downloadable coloring pages under "Annie's Corner".

Also, if you, the fatherhood leader, would like to create a fun Annie Karoake Event, there is a free Annie Karoake App which can be downloaded from the App store!

The Father Factor Blog

Stay tuned to the blog, I'll write about the insights I gained from watching this family classic soon.

Follow Annie

Find more information at www.fatherhood.org/annie

When Dad's in Jail: How Team Dad is Helping Tennessee Families

For hundreds of families around East Tennessee, it's tough when dad's in jail. The sad thing is, it can be tougher once dad's out of jail. What are we doing to help dads be ready to be good dads once released? Hiliary Magacs shows us one program in Cocke County, Tennessee that's working to rehabilitate dads from the inside out.

team_dad_logo

Hiliary Magacs (@wvlthilary) reporting for WVLT Local 8 News on a program in East Tennessee called Team Dad who is helping fathers in jail be ready to father once released.

The Sheriff's Office has partnered with Team Dad to help men find housing and jobs, so they can be the kind of dads their kids need them to be. The program is offered in connection with the Douglas-Cherokee Economic Authority, Inc. and serves men in six East Tennessee counties: Hamblen, Cocke, Grainger, Jefferson, Sevier & Monroe.

Travis Stewart is serving time for burglary and theft. He has a 12 year old son. Watch the video and you will hear Travis say what he's learning from NFI's InsideOut Dad® program. He says, "It's something I need to do to learn how to be responsible for my child and lead by example. The things I do reflects on his image."

Case managers for the program use workbooks, movies and discussions to help men learn how to communicate with their kids and the mothers of their children. "A lot of men close down and don't want to talk about feelings or their problems to other people...but when they're in here, they really do open up and talk about the issues they've had..." says Desiree Drinnon (Case Manager).

Learning to open up and talk about the issues is vital for Drew Whitlock, who is working to be the father his kids need. "I've got two girls one 16 and one 13...their mother overdosed beside me in the bed last year and I'm just trying to pick up the pieces," says Drew Whitlock (Participant in the InsideOut Dad® Program).

Besides parenting skills, Team Dad helps men in other ways, like connecting them with legal services for custody problems. The program also helps the men update their resumes and find jobs when they get out of jail. "We can put in a good word to the employers for the guys so they can get a chance to have an open door and start working again..." says Sam Escobales (Outreach Worker).

"The thing with most inmates is when they come in, they don't have nothing afterwards, you know, you can go back to the streets or you can try to find help..." says Craig Campbell. The help doesn't stop when the men walk out of the program. The dads can rely on Team Dad for as long as they need to. "Every class I tell them, now if you get out and your electric bill needs to be paid don't go kick in your neighbors door and steal their TV to sell for your electric bill. Come call me and we'll find someplace to help you..." says, Desiree Drinnon (Case Manager).

Recent graduates of the program say it's helped them a lot. For instance, Cody Moon (program graduate) says, "It's taught me better ways to budget my money for my kids and take care my kids and is teaching me better ways to treat the mother of my children."

Travis Shaver has learned when it comes to his children, "...you have to be there to provide for them, show them love and affection...it's the small things is what it is."

Sheriff Armando Fontes (Cocke County Sheriff's Office) is proud of how Team Dad has created stronger families in the community. He says, "It's called positive reinforcement, we help give them skills and abilities that they can take back home with them to better their lives and to better take care of their children."

Rodney Willingham (program graduate) reflects on his time attending the program and says, "I'm grateful that I got a chance to be in this program. I'm going to follow it up once I get out."

In eight months of operation, more than 50 men have graduated from Team Dad in Cocke County. The program is also offered in the Monroe County jail and organizers are hoping to expand to other jails in the future. Here's a picture from a recent graduating class of Team Dad:

Team_Dad_Grads

IODGTFT

Get your free sample download > 
InsideOut Dad® Guide to Family Ties


What's Inside the Guide?

  • Purpose and Parts of the Guide
  • Part 1: What to Expect - Your Children, Your Children’s Mother, What You Should Do
  • Part 2: Assess Yourself as Dad and Partner - The Ideal, The Real, The Deal
  • Part 3: Getting and staying in touch - With Your Children’s Mother, With Your Children, Become an Expert on Your Children, Become a “Long Distance” Coach, Ways to Get and Stay in Touch
  • Part 4: Create a reentry plan - Your Reentry Plan, Your Role in the Family, Bad Feelings, Gatekeepers, New Father Figures

What Parents Should Really Fear

This post originally appeared at The Huffington Post.

In my last post in this blog, I asked parents to identify the top three things they most fear and to rate their level of fear for each one. I then described a study of parents that identified the top 10 fears that most parents have for their children and asked parents how their fears mapped to those top fears.

what_parents_really_should_fear_12092014I made the point that many fears of parents are unfounded. I then laid out six steps that help parents determine whether the fears they identified are ones they should be worried about. Central to these steps is taking the time to examine the evidence for the prevalence of poor outcomes for children related to parents' fears. If a parent fears, for example, that his or her child will drown, the parent should locate data on the prevalence of drowning for children of his or her child's age. I pointed parents to several excellent sources for data on children's health that they could use to examine the evidence.

One of these sources for evidence is the non-profit Child Trends. As luck would have it, Natalia Pane, a Child Trends research scientist and statistician, read my post and sent me an email to draw my attention to a book she's written called The Worry Clock: A Parent's Guide to Worrying Smarter about The Real Dangers to Your Child. I checked it out and realized what a great resource it is for parents. So I asked Natalia whether I could write a follow-up post to draw wider attention to the book, and she gave me her blessing.

I really appreciate when really smart scientists make their research easy to understand using stories, concepts, and analogies. Natalia uses the concept of the Worry Clock to illustrate how much parents should worry about dangers to their children. Specifically, she focuses on the ultimate fear for a parent -- his or her child's death. She uses the Worry Clock to present the data on the leading causes of death for children in different age groups. As a result, there is a Worry Clock for each age group. As Natalia describes it, the Worry Clocks are:

Sixty-minute clocks that present the most common causes of death and their relative importance, based on frequency of death. The idea is that if you are going to worry for one hour, the clock presents the amount of time you might spend on each cause of death, if you were to follow the actual data. For example, if car accidents account for half of all possible ways children die, then the Worry Clock would suggest spending half of the hour -- thirty minutes -- worrying about car accidents.

If you have an infant, for example, you should worry most about suffocation and strangulation (27 minutes). Your next most significant worry should be about homicide (14 minutes). Other causes of death shouldn't worry you much as no other cause represents more than six minutes in the Worry Clock for Infants.

I highly encourage you to read the book. It provides great insights, including:

  • Parents should think twice about where an infant sleeps.
  • A baby's inconsolable crying is common, but it is also a frequent cause of homicide, the second-leading killer of infants.
  • Drowning in a home pool is particularly dangerous for toddler boys.
  • Electrical outlets are less deadly than most parents probably believe.
  • One out of every six preventable deaths throughout childhood is gun-related.
  • Teenage driving is the most significant worry across a child's life.

Perhaps most importantly, Natalia provides practical advice, based on evidence and common sense, for how parents can protect their children from the leading causes of death in each age group. That's another thing I really appreciate -- when scientists help people apply research in practical ways. Bravo, Natalia!

This post originally appeared at The Huffington Post.

Got Fired? 5 Mistakes You Should Avoid

A new friend of mine was recently let go by his organization as part of a widespread restructuring. We met for coffee to plan out his next move. After a few minutes of discussing potential options, he asked me an excellent and powerful question.

got fired? 5 mistakes to avoid
He said, “Kent, what are mistakes that you see recently fired guys make? How can I avoid them?”

I was impressed. That was a great question!

And, he didn’t know this, but he had just asked a bona fide termination expert for his opinion. I have been fired twice in my career, and as I stumbled through the carnage, I learned a handful of valuable lessons.

Also, I have been an active networker over the years, so I have had my fair share of opportunities to watch other people walk through this experience. Some handled it well and it made them better; some fumbled badly and took much longer to regroup.

I ended up sharing five mistakes I see recently terminated men make. If you are currently unemployed or find yourself in that situation in the future, I hope these ideas help you get back in the saddle more quickly (and without nearly as many bruises).

The top five mistakes I see recently fired men make. Note to the fatherhood leader reading this: you should consider sharing this with the dads you serve. Here are the five mistakes:

1) They grieve while standing still.

In the sadness and shock of losing his job – usually unexpectedly – they do nothing for far too long. They lose their confidence and worry that they will never get another base hit. So, they stand at the plate and watch the pitches go by. It’s okay to be sad or discouraged, but grieve in motion. Keep your legs moving until you get traction.

2) They get a referral, but do not follow through.

If you are fortunate enough to connect with some influencers and they give you a referral, follow through immediately. Often, when we’re down, we are either confused or hesitant, and we want to make sure we make the right next step. Don’t sweat accuracy in networking, just make the call and thank the referrer.

3) They bash their prior boss or organization.

It’s natural to feel jilted by a company or a manager, especially if when they let you go they were unkind or disparaging. However, you cannot let your frustration spill over into your next interview. As a hiring manager if I hear someone griping about their former boss, I figure I’m next on the bash list. It’s extremely unappealing.

4) They wait too long for the perfect opportunity.

Being unemployed can take an emotional toll on a man, his spouse and his family. Over time, he can doubt his very existence, and his somber mood becomes a cancer at home. Get back to work as fast as you can. Take any reasonable offer while you keep searching for the perfect job. See point number 1.

5) If they are downsized, they neglect to mention it.

This is a delicate one. If you make a big deal out of this, you will just sound like a loser. But, if you don’t mention it at all, you deprive the new manager of knowing that you weren’t fired for cause. Tactfully find a way to mention that your prior organization shifted course, but only once or twice. Tactfully.

It can be extremely disheartening to lose a job. I was fired twice in a two month timespan! One of those terminations I probably deserved. Both happened when I was a newlywed. And, while my new in-laws never mentioned it (thank you!), I’m sure they had their doubts about this new family member who struggled to hold down a job.

However, by staying in motion (I took a summer job as an electrician’s apprentice) and by the grace of God (while on that job, I met my future boss and mentor), I got back on track. Hang in there! Getting terminated can work to our advantage if we manage it correctly.

Have you ever been fired? What helped you get through it?

6 Steps to Solving Most Any Problem

When mom and dad have different ideas on what to do when it comes to the kids, from what their child should wear, to when their child should come home, and so on, communication usually stalls. This is a nice way of saying, you aren't talking to each other! When this happens, both parents can feel frustrated and often argue. Fussing and fighting isn't the way to live—for you or for your kids. Let's have a new goal—to reach a place where both people have power and are listened too. Sound crazy? We think not...

red_phone_cord_how_to_talk_with_mom_and_child
Whether it's communicating with your spouse, former spouse, son or daughter, problem solving like the list that follows will leave both parties feeling satisfied. Use these steps to help solve problems between you, your wife, your ex-wife, or heck, try this with your kids too! 

1) Name the problem

Write it down. Seriously, have you ever been arguing for a extended period of time, and there doesn't seem to be an end to the bickering? It's probably because one or both of you lost sight of the real problem. Work on only one problem at a time. You can't fix everything overnight. Agree at the start on one problem to try and solve, then attack that one problem, not EVERY problem! 

2) Decide who owns the problem

Is someone doing something you or someone else doesn’t approve of, but does not see it as a problem? Is the problem yours or someone else’s? More than one person can own a problem. It's important to discern and accept responsibilities for said problem before moving to the next step.  

3) Discuss why the problem needs to be solved

This step can be the hardest one of all if the problem is someone’s behavior. For example, someone’s behavior is harming someone else and it needs to stop. This step also takes a lot of listening from both sides. The person creating the problem is generally the one who isn't as willing to listen. Try and be sure that person isn't you this time! 

4) List what's been done to try and solve the problem

Write them down if the person has tried a lot of things. This process can go a long way in showing how much both parties care about fixing the problem. This also provides a great road map to what hasn't or doesn't work such that you can try something new to solve the problem. Which leads us to this...

5) Brainstorm new ways to solve the problem

They must be realistic ideas. Write them down if there are a lot of them and use the ideas during the next step. Discuss pros and cons for each idea. 

6) Make a decision

It’s okay if there is more than one solution. If the problem is owned by one person, let that person pick. If it is owned by more than one person, like the entire family, have those people agree on what to do. Remember, this isn't a dictatorship no matter how badly you might try for it to be. 

If you brainstorm ideas and one or more of them don’t offer a clear way to solve the problem, go through the first three steps again to figure out the problem, see who owns it, and why it needs to be solved. 

You could get stuck on Step 6 if you and the person involved doesn't have your ideas about the right way to solve the problem. 

What is a problem you are having with your spouse, ex-spouse, or child? Which step seems most difficult? Why? 

communication_500px

Find more communication tips in our new guide > How to Talk with Mom and Child.

6 Steps to Deal with Fears for Your Children

This post originally appeared at The Huffington Post.

What frightens you the most as a parent when it comes to your children's health? Before you read any further, take a few minutes to write down your top three fears using a broad definition of health that includes physical, social and emotional health. Then, rate your level of fear for each one on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being "not fearful at all" and 10 being "very fearful."

fear_dad_11172014
What I fear most is that my children will get in a horrible accident that will change their life for the worse or even end it. When my younger daughter Jillian was 2 years old, we were playing on the living room floor with Daizy, a Labrador-Greyhound mix we had rescued from the pound only days before. This get-to-know-you play session suddenly turned into one of my scariest parenting moments. As Daizy laid down to rest in front of me, Jillian scurried around my back and, in coming around to the front of me, startled Daizy. Daizy lept up and accidentally swiped Jillian's face with her paw. For a moment, it seemed nothing was wrong because Jillian's only reaction was to close her eyes and look stunned. But then, the blood started flowing down her face -- appearing to originate from one of her eyes -- and she began to cry and scream.

After a moment of indecision, I quickly removed my shirt and placed it over her face. Fortunately, a couple of EMTs lived two houses down from us. I grabbed Jillian and ran over to their home and, as I ran, prayed they were home. I knocked on the door and, thank God, both of them were home. I explained what happened and partially removed my shirt from Jillian's face so they could assess the injury. The blood started to flow once more. I reapplied my shirt until one of the EMTs wrapped Jillian's head in so much gauze it looked as though she was wearing a turban that had slid down her face.

By this time, I feared the worst -- Daizy has slashed Jillian's eye and she'd have permanent damage. Being EMTs, my neighbors assured me that they had seen much worse and not to jump to conclusions. One of them rushed us to the nearest hospital for treatment. Fortunately, Daizy had only caused a gash above Jillian's eye and slightly scratched the inside of her eyelid. The eye itself was unharmed.

I'm generally not a fearful parent. Even though I fear accidents the most, I rarely think about whether they might happen. But every once in a while, the scar that Jillian still has from that awful day reminds me how much I love my children and don't want any harm to come to them.

Every year, the C.S. Mott Children's Hospital at the University of Michigan conducts a national poll on parents' top health concerns. The 2014 poll asked parents to rate how big of a problem 26 health concerns are for children and teens in their community and, separately, for children and teens across the country. They rated each concern as a "big problem," "somewhat of a problem," or "not a problem." The survey is a kind of proxy for what parents fear when it comes to children's health.

According to the 2014 poll, the following eight concerns appeared in the top 10 concerns on both lists:

  • Childhood obesity
  • Bullying
  • Smoking
  • Alcohol abuse
  • Drug/substance abuse
  • Child abuse and neglect
  • Internet safety
  • Teen pregnancy

Childhood obesity topped both lists, with the others in each list ranking differently in terms of level of concern.

Now, look at the list of your top three fears. Are they included in the list of eight above?

A much more important question is whether your level of fear for each fear is founded. (That's why I asked you to rate your level of fear.) Fears have a nasty way of working behind the scenes to cause stress and guide our behavior in unproductive and sometimes destructive ways. Parents' fears can cause a ton of stress and lead to behavior that damages their relationships with their children. As I wrote in my last post, parents these days are particularly vulnerable to over-protecting and controlling their children's lives. This behavior results from fears (and concerns) they have that, in many cases, are unfounded.

Follow these steps to determine whether any or all of your fears are founded.

  1. Prepare to be wrong. Recognize that you might not need to be as fearful and maybe don't need to be fearful at all. Most people are overconfident in their views. If you won't entertain the possibility that you might be wrong, there's no reason to take another step.
  2. Step back and separate from the fears. Get some distance from your emotions so that you can objectively assess your fears.
  3. Examine the evidence from a broad perspective. Conduct some research on the prevalence in the broader population of the issues underlying your fears. Use reputable, objective sources and not ones that will simply confirm your fears. (To get you started, I provide a list of relevant sources at the end of this post.) Based on what you learn, how do the issues underlying your fears stack up against the data on prevalence of those issues?
  4. Examine the evidence from a narrow perspective. How prevalent are the issues in your community? Your community might differ markedly from the general population. The sources you used in Step 3 might have data on your community, but you might have to find similar sources at the state or county level (e.g. your state or city health department). How do the issues stack up against the data in your community? Even if you've lived in your community for a long time -- maybe your entire life -- you might be surprised how little you know about the prevalence of issues in your own backyard.
  5. Examine recent exposure to events and information that could create biases that support your fears. Has anything happened in your family, friends' families, or community related to your fears? Have you heard a lot recently in the news about incidents related to the issues underlying your fears? Have you been watching movies or television focused on your fears? If you answered yes to any of those questions, consider whether that exposure reflects reality in terms of prevalence of the issues underlying your fears. Realize that you could suffer from the availability bias in which people rely on recent exposure to specific events and information to form their opinions even when those events and information are out of the norm.
  6. Step back once again and consider all the evidence. If you have a friend who is a particularly objective person, share what you learned and ask him or her for input.

As you read through those steps, you might have thought "Ugh! It's going to take a lot of time to complete them, and I just don't have the time." It will take some time, but not as much as you think. Regardless, when it comes to your children, taking time to examine whether your fears are founded is vital to understanding whether the stress they cause and the behavior that results from them is worth it to you and the relationships you have with your children.

Here are some websites on children's health for further reading:

This post originally appeared at The Huffington Post.

Christmas in November

I've never had a bad Christmas. For the most part, they've all been pretty good. Here's the thing, the holidays that haven't been as great as others, have all been for one reason. That reason? Me.

December is the busiest month of the year, am I right? Listen up, this is experience talking. I know before December starts, busy is the only thing that is certain. As I screened Saving Christmas, one character made me think...the brother-in-law. This year, I'm doing something different...something I've never done before. 

kirk cameron's saving christmas

In the film, the brother-in-law is the melancholy, depressed guy who hates everything. He hates the consumerism of the holiday, he hates the "war on Christmas", he hates everything. Are you that guy? I have come to some conclusions after seeing the depressed brother-in-law in the film. I don't want to be that guy. Neither should you. We should want more, for ourselves, for our families, and for this season.

After watching this movie, I plan to do three things differently this year. I plan to proactively fight against the all-consuming stress of the season. Here's how I plan to make this Holiday what it's supposed to be about. Maybe you're like me, and you need this reminder. Feel free to consider this post your very own Christmas miracle:

1) Stop, Reflect & Remember: It's About Giving...Not Getting.
I'm not on my a-game when I'm my super-busy or constantly around humans for social events and whatnot. I know this about myself. This can make December suck for me. I know if I don't take a moment, be it for five minutes, to get alone and be still, I'm sabotaging myself and my family.

Find time to stop and reflect long enough to realize this season is about giving...not getting. Yes, I'm telling myself this too. The more you and I can understand this, the more we will enjoy the season. I just read a quote from Anne Frank, she supposedly said, "No one has ever become poor by giving." That's all...me, Anne Frank, and Kirk Cameron just saved your Christmas. You're welcome.

2) Make it About the Kids...Not Yourself.
My childhood Holidays were awesome. I didn't grow up rich or poor (that I know of), but my memories of the Holiday season are positive. One of my favorite memories is of opening a toy 18-wheeler log tuck. There's no way it cost my parents more that $10 in 1980's currency. I still remember stacking the little logs and pulling that truck around the house and imagining I was crossing over mountains and whatnot—the original Ice Road Truckers. My point is this, not only did I invent Ice Road Truckers, I look back at my kid-self and realize it didn't take much to make me happy. It's the same with your kids. Yes, make it about the children. But also, you don't have to stress about satisfying them. Odds are it takes much less than you're thinking to make them happy. What's the best memory you have as a kid during the holiday? You're probably thinking of a story similar to mine now. If you're not, you're an ungrateful brat and need to refer to the first point of this post! ; )

In the movie, Mr. Cameron says, "sometimes you have to be brought low...to see with new eyes”. This year, see the lights and decorations through the eyes of your child. See your family with fresh eyes. You will no doubt agree with Cameron when he says, "Our lives are so full — if only we had eyes to see them." Don't mess up Christmas for the kids.

3) Tis a New Season
I've went wrong in the past. From not taking time to reflect, to waiting until the last minute to go to the mall. Then, I've had the audacity to complain I can't find parking at the mall on December 23. Hello! There's parking spots open in November, right?! This is a new season, for you and me. A chance to start off different, and right. This said, my holiday season started last week. In the DC area, it's now dark at like 4pm. I drove home and was about to slip into my melancholy-fall-slumber of depression and boredom. Yes, I can be bored and busy, you can't? But something happened, a miracle. After fighting traffic, I walked in my front door to the smell of food cooking, the Etta James Holiday music station playing, and my daughters drawing at the kitchen table. Boom, instant cheer! My point is, you'll never save Christmas for you or your family if you never look at it with new eyes. This isn't last year or that one bad year you had, this is this year. 

Hopefully, you and I will stop and reflect, make it about the kids, and create a new season of traditions this holiday. Let's realize as Mr. Cameron says, "You and I are in the middle of a story. The difference between our story and the one we heard as kids is that we get to write our own story." Whether you hate this time of year, are fighting with your spouse, or you just aren't that into Christmas, you get to pick whether you're Scrooge or not.

So, are you gonna watch everyone have fun or are you gonna actually have fun this season? I was inspired after watching this movie to rearrange my life, to tell my daughters new stories, to not be the husband and dad who frustrates his wife and kids, to make things right...that's Christmas. So, you wanna know my solution for getting past all of the stress of the season? It's something I've never done before. I'm starting Christmas in November. If you need me, I'll be sipping my Chesnut Praline Latte and listening to Christmas music today. I'm not waiting until December.

How will you save Christmas for you and your family this year?

Get the sneak peek of Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas!

Watch  Kirk Cameron's Interview on Access Hollywood Live:

 

Follow Saving Christmas:

  • Follow Saving Christmas on Facebook.

  • Find a theater near you here.

  • See images from the set of the film here

Download "The Ultimate Guide to Connecting with your Child"! 

Connecting_with_your_child_cover

This free ebook is designed to help you and your children become closer and more connected. Use it for yourself or share it with other dads.

In this free ebook we share:

  • The best questions to ask your school-aged child to get him or her talking
  • Great questions you can ask your teenager
  • Questions you can ask yourself to be sure you're doing all you should to be a great dad

Use this ebook to help you and the dads you know connect with your kids in a meaningful way.

Faith-Based Film Spotlight: Saving Christmas (In Theaters Friday)

This Christmas, have your family dive headfirst into all the joy, dancing, celebration, feasting, imagination, and traditions that make Christmas, well, Christmas! This film will resonate with our faith-based fatherhood leaders. See the videos and see what I mean...

 

KIRK CAMERON’S SAVING CHRISTMAS is an interesting take on the story providing a basis for our timeless traditions and celebrations. 

This year, it's time to take in the splendor; take in the majesty; take in the story. Take it all in…and realize it's okay to enjoy it all.

The season isn't a time to be sad, depressed or annoyed from all the busy-ness. Okay, you probably will get annoyed if and when you have to find parking at the mall, but still, overall, it's supposed to be a time to truly enjoy family!

KIRK CAMERON’S SAVING CHRISTMAS is in theaters for a limited engagement beginning November 14 for two weeks only!

Stay tuned to The Father Factor Blog, as I will be writing a feature about this upcoming family film on the blog. But for now...

Get a Sneak Peek of Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas!


Watch the first trailer for Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas.

Watch  Kirk Cameron's Interview on Access Hollywood Live:

 

Follow Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas:

  • Follow Saving Christmas on Facebook.

  • Find a theater near you here.

  • See images from the set of the film here

Download "The Ultimate Guide to Connecting with your Child"! 

This free ebook is designed to help you and your children become closer and more connected. Use it for yourself or share it with other dads.

Connecting_with_your_child_cover

In this free ebook we share:

  • The best questions to ask your school-aged child to get him or her talking
  • Great questions you can ask your teenager
  • Questions you can ask yourself to be sure you're doing all you should to be a great dad

Use this ebook to help you and the dads you know connect with your kids in a meaningful way.

Why Horseplay is Vital for Your Kids

This post originally appeared at The Huffington Post.

When my daughters were toddlers and preschoolers, I played a game with them called "Attack Baby." I'd lie on the floor and let them run at and jump on me. They'd scream at the top of their lungs as they ran toward me. Right after or right before they landed on me, I'd pick them up and throw them to either side of me. (Don't be appalled. I gently laid them on the ground so they'd roll safely across the floor.) Every once in a while, I'd include a tickle or two before I discarded them to either side of me. As I did so, the attacking screams turned to joyful laughter.

why-horseplay-is-vital-for-your-kidsThe objectives of the game for them were to have fun and do as much damage to their dad as possible. My objectives were to help them learn the joy of physical play and how to play and not hurt someone in the process (i.e. learn emotional self-regulation). They sometimes lost control, particularly when they'd gang up on me. My youngest, in particular, would sometimes launch herself feet first and try to pound on my chest or head. Whenever they got out of control and became too physical, I stopped the game and explained that they needed to regain control or that session of Attack Baby was over. As time went by, they learned how to control themselves more consistently and still have a blast. To this day, some 15 years later, they remember Attack Baby with fondness and tell new friends, when describing their relationship with me, how much they enjoyed it.

In the Art of Roughhousing, Dr. Anthony T. DeBenedet and Dr. Lawrence J. Cohen reveal the benefits of horseplay (rough-and-tumble play), such as how it develops close connections between parents and children, helps solve children's behavior problems, and boosts children's confidence.

Roughhousing is interactive, so it builds close connections between children and parents, especially as we get down on the floor and join them in their world of exuberance and imagination. Most important, roughhousing is rowdy, but not dangerous. With safety in mind, roughhousing releases the creative life force within each person, pushing us out of our inhibitions and inflexibilities... Play -- especially active physical play, like roughhousing -- makes kids smart, emotionally intelligent, lovable and likeable, ethical, physically fit, and joyful... Roughhousing activates many different parts of the body and the brain, from the amygdalae, which process emotions, and the cerebellum, which handles complex motor skills, to the prefrontal cortex, which makes high-level judgments. The result is that every roughhousing playtime is beneficial for body and brain as well as for the loftiest levels of the human spirit: honor, integrity, morality, kindness, and cooperation.

Unfortunately, this art is becoming a lost one as video games and other technology-based activities play an ever-increasing role in children's lives. Moreover, other changes in children's environments that facilitate horseplay have faded or disappeared, such as schools reducing or eliminating recess and physical education.

But another truly unfortunate factor in this development is the hyper-focus of so many parents today on their children's safety, a focus that negatively impacts their daily interactions with their children.

Sadly, among many of today's families, roughhousing barely limps along on life support. What was once a motto of Safety First has evolved into a fretful new motto of Safety Only. Many parents are more frightened by skinned knees and bruised feelings than life's real dangers: stifled creativity and listless apathy.

This hyper-focus on children's safety is an outgrowth of how parents today over-protect and over-schedule their children's lives. So it's not surprising that children's playtime has, as the authors point out, become "adult-organized, adult-refereed, and adult-structured." Parenting as protection has taken on huge significance despite the fact that the world of today is no more dangerous than in the past. In fact, it's safer for children. Data from the National Center for Health Statistics show that the death rates for children caused by unintentional injuries (e.g. vehicle-related, drowning, and fires) and murder were lower in 2010 compared to 2002. The reduction in deaths of 32 percent from unintentional injuries is staggering! Also staggering is the reduction in murders over an even longer time period. Among teens 15-19, for example, the reduction was 63 percent between 1993 and 2012 and was, in 2012, at its lowest level since before 1970.

I'm not arguing that parents shouldn't be concerned for their children's safety. Situational safety has its place. Being chronically concerned about children's safety does not. Children will get hurt. Bruises, abrasions and broken bones are a natural part of childhood. Parents shouldn't be so concerned about safety that they don't allow their children to be, well, children. Children are wired for horseplay with their parents and other children. It's one of the ways they learn about their world, how to appropriately interact with others, and to have fun. So by all means, enjoy playing a little roughly with your children on a regular basis, and get off the hyper-safety bandwagon.

When is the last time you spent time on the floor playing with your kids?

This post originally appeared at The Huffington Post.

17 Critical Issues: A Guide for Fatherhood Practitioners & Staff

So you want to work with fathers? Whatever your situation or reasons for caring, we're glad you do! You might be asking the following questions: Where do I start in working with dads? What in the world do I focus on? How do I actually help meet the needs of fathers around me?

17-Critical-Issues-CoverThese are all great questions! And, you’re not alone in asking them. Everyone who works with fathers has asked them at one time or another. Which is why we developed a discussion guide to answer these questions. More specifically, we created this guide in response to requests for help in identifying the most critical issues to address with dads.

In talking with you and based on our years of experience, we identified 17 issues that are critical to address when assisting fathers of any race, ethnicity, or socioeconomic background in becoming involved, responsible, and committed dads.

We offer a full guide called 17 Critical Issues to Discuss with Dads for purchase. In this post, we wanted to give you sample of the 17 critical topics that are covered in more detail with the full guide:

1. Family of Origin
What is the most important factor that influences a father’s knowledge, attitudes, values, and behavior about how to raise and care for his child? If you said, “The influence of the family he grew up in,” you are correct.

"A father’s own father is often the most powerful 
influence in shaping how he fathers his children."

If you want insight into how a father thinks and what he feels about fatherhood, and how involved he is in the life of his child, ask him what he learned about being a father from his parents and extended family. The family someone grows up in is often called a “family of origin,” because it is the family in which a person begins his or her life. 

2. Masculinity and Fatherhood
Have you ever put together a model airplane? The idea was that if you followed the instructions, your model should have looked like the picture on the box. Unfortunately, your model might not have looked like the picture, because pieces were missing or you didn’t thoroughly read or follow the instructions. 

The key to developing good fathers is to first develop good men. Learning what it means to be a man and father works the same way. Men learn from their parents and culture a model for how a man and father should look and act. This model comes with instructions that help men grow into the “right kind” of man or father.

3. Fathering Skills

Unfortunately, many fathers lack the self-efficacy they need to be good fathers. Self-efficacy is the belief in a father that he has the skills—or can acquire the skills—that he needs to be a good father. A lack of self-efficacy can be especially chronic in fathers whose own fathers were physically or psychologically absent. Self-efficacy is the belief in a father that he has the skills—or can acquire the skills—that he needs to be a good father.

4. Child Development

Picture this situation. A father prepares a meal for himself and his three-year-old son. As they dine, on the three-year-old starts to eat with his hands. The father tells his son that he must use a fork. The child uses the fork for a few minutes and then reverts to using his hands. The father becomes frustrated and yells at his son to stop using his hands and pick up the fork, or else dad will take the food away. 

What’s wrong here? If you said the father shouldn’t have yelled at his son and threatened to take away the food, you’re right. But why did the father yell at and threaten his son? The primary reason is that dad didn’t understand that it’s perfectly fine, developmentally speaking, for a three-year-old to use both utensils and hands to eat. One of the most helpful tools for fathers is information developmental milestones. Some of the biggest mistakes made by fathers stem from a lack of knowledge about child development. So it’s vital that dads learn about child development and the physical, emotional, and social milestones their children should reach by a certain age. 

5. Raising Boys, Raising Girls

Are boys or girls harder to raise? Is there any difference in the way a father should raise a son compared to a daughter? These are questions that can weigh heavily on the minds of fathers. Perhaps you have asked yourself these questions. The answer to the first question is that boys and girls pose different challenges at different stages in their lives; so, as a general rule, neither boys nor girls are harder to raise. The answer to the second question is that the basics of fathering sons and daughters are the same, but it’s the ways in which fathers engage their sons and daughters that must sometimes be different.

6. Discipline

“Just wait until your father gets home!” is a phrase that we might have often heard growing up. Dad as disciplinarian has defined most fathers throughout history. So it’s not difficult for fathers to grasp the idea that a basic role for them is to discipline their children. But what’s not so clear to a dad is how to use appropriate discipline (i.e., when to use it and proper techniques), and that he must model self-discipline if he hopes to raise a healthy child. 

7. Gender Communication

You might wonder what gender communication has to do with fathering. It has a lot to do with fathering because when moms and dads effectively communicate, it helps them raise healthy children. It also helps fathers raising daughters to know how their daughters are “wired” to communicate and vice versa. 

8. Building Healthy Marriages and Relationships

The most important relationship in the home is the relationship between the father and mother. How well the father gets along with the mother affects their children every day. This is true whether the father and mother are married to each other or not. Children look to their father’s relationship with their mother as the blueprint for developing their own relationships. If a father’s relationship with the mother is healthy, then the children will have a model for what a healthy relationship looks like. 

9. Dealing with Emotions

Years ago a report on CNN recounted the horrific story of a man who entered a home in Atlanta and killed all the members of a family except one—a ten-year-old boy. The boy locked himself in an upstairs closet to escape the carnage. The police found him as they searched the home after the killings. Outside the hospital where doctors had examined the boy, a reporter interviewed the minister of the church this boy’s family had attended. When asked how the boy had held up through this tragedy, the minister said with his face and voice full of pride, “If he wasn’t a man before, he sure is now.” It was amazing that this minister was proud that a tragedy of this magnitude had made a man out of a ten year-old boy. He had likened the tragedy to a right of passage into manhood. 

If fathers are to raise healthy children, they must first learn that it is manly to express their emotions and connect with and understand their emotions. They must then learn to express their emotions appropriately. You might encounter some fathers who uncover long-lost feelings and, perhaps, who have suppressed memories that will require the help of a professional counselor. You might also encounter fathers who need help getting their anger and rage under control. Be sure to have a list of resources to refer fathers for assistance. 

10. Grief and Loss

Perhaps the emotion that fathers have the most difficulty expressing is the grief that results from the losses they encounter. All fathers experience loss, such as the death of a loved one, loss of a job, or divorce. If a father doesn’t live with his children, he faces the loss of his children every day. Losses like these can devastate a father emotionally, spiritually, and financially. Other losses are not as obvious or life changing, but they are losses nonetheless. Examples of loss include losing a ball game, losing a bid for a contract or job, and having to cancel a trip you were really looking forward to. 

11. Men's Health

The health of our nation’s men is in crisis. Although women suffer more often from some ailments, such as autoimmune disorders, on balance men are far and away worse off when it comes to health outcomes. Consider these startling facts on the state of men’s physical health: 

  1. men live an average of five years less than do women;

  2. more men than women die from each of the 11 leading causes of death, including suicide (81 percent of suicides are committed by men);

  3. 91 percent of work-related deaths strike men;

  4. men perish from drug-induced deaths at a rate of 16.2 (per 100,000) compared to 10.2 for women;

  5. alcohol-induced deaths are 3 times higher among men;

  6. more men than women use alcohol, binge drink, and drink heavily; and

  7. more men than women are obese. 

12. Sexuality
How many times have you heard the word “sexuality” uttered by men or been used to refer to men? Do men know the difference between “sex” and “sexuality” or understand the concept of “sexual self-worth?” The sad fact is that most men don’t know the difference between sex and sexuality, nor do they understand the concept of sexual self-worth. Most men, unfortunately, are raised to focus on the physical act of sex as the end all and be all of their sexual nature as human beings. 

13. Intimacy
Before reading the rest of the information on this topic, consider the first few words or phrases that pop into your mind when you hear the word “intimate.” Did you consider words or phrases like “a close friend,” “personal,” “confidential,” “emotional,” or “spiritual?” Or did you consider words or phrases like “sex,” “sexual,” or “making love?” In working with men on this topic, it’s critical that you help them understand what intimacy truly means. 

14. Power of Spirituality
Many fathers say they have been transformed by what their religious beliefs teach about the role of a father. As a result, some fatherhood programs are rooted in scriptural principles, teaching fathers to follow those principles as they raise their children. In working with fathers on this issue, it’s vital you communicate that spirituality is an important part of being a father and of a family.  

15. Power of a Fathers' Support Group and Network 
The quality of the relationships a man has is just as important to his health as is going to the doctor, eating right, and exercising. Men with strong social networks are healthier than men with weak ones. They live longer than do men with weak networks. It’s vital that fathers have people in their lives with whom they feel safe to share their feelings and to talk with about the challenges of fatherhood. No one understands better what it means to be a man and father than does another man and father. 

16. Balancing Work and Family
One of the primary challenges fathers confront in becoming involved, responsible, and committed dads is the challenge of balancing work and family. NFI’s Pop’s Culture survey revealed that work responsibilities are the most significant barriers to fathers being the best dads they can be. 

17. Financial Responsibility
“I want my two dollars!” is a familiar refrain of children when allowance time rolls around. Regardless of how much of an allowance parents give to their children, it’s often the first strategy parents use to teach their children financial responsibility. An allowance, when tied to chores, teaches kids that they must earn their money. Many parents take the idea of earning pay one step further by setting up savings accounts so that their children learn the value of saving money for the future—a lesson in delayed gratification.

Depending on how long and intensively you have worked with fathers, consider using additional NFI resources to more fully address some of the topics. Many of our curricula go into greater depth on most of these topics. We encourage you and the dads you work with to subscribe to our FatherSource™, a weekly email that includes tips and advice on a range of topics, and our Father Factor Blog, which also includes tips and advice from our staff and experienced dads, and will keep you updated on the latest research on, and opinions about, fatherhood and father involvement.

17-Critical-Issues-CoverDownload our free sample of 17 Critical IssuesA Guide for Fatherhood Practitioners & Staff to Use in Presentations, Home Visits, or Meeting with Dads

 

The How and Why Behind Never Giving Up Hope

Dads and moms aren't perfect. But, if mom understands the importance of involving dad, she will understand that she herself - is a vital factor in connecting father to child. The following story reveals exactly this...

102814blog

Jamal recently emailed me with his story of becoming a father overnight...

It’s been eight years since my daughter has come into my life. I say “come into,” because I was not present when she was born. In fact, I didn’t even know that I had a child. Let me explain. I dated my daughter’s mother the spring/summer of 2005 and the relationship ended in the fall of 2005. We did not speak or communicate for months after the break up. During this period of time, I decided to focus on improving my life, so I re-enrolled myself in college to complete my degree. I picked a temp-to hire position with a company with the hopes of working there full time after completing my education. I lived at home with my mother, made very little money, and the only responsibility I had was to myself

The summer of 2006 rolls around and I’m continuing to stay focused on my goals working during the day and going to school at night. One night, I saw a news report which mentioned my ex's name and connected her in some way to an abandoned baby. Feeling a sense of urgency to see if my ex was okay, I immediately called her and we spoke briefly. In my mind I started to count back the months that she and I had been intimate, and it had been almost exactly nine months. So I asked her if the abandoned baby was my child. I was told no, and to stay out of it.   

I just knew I had to know
the truth for me.


After hanging up the phone, you would think I would feel relief, but I did not. My heart was heavy and I could not shake the fact that this abandoned child could indeed be my child. Up to this day, I don’t know what compelled me to investigate further to find the truth. I just knew I had to know the truth for me. I contacted detectives working the case and was given instructions to contact a local children’s organization to take a DNA test. The test was taken on July 17th. I waited for about a week for the results, and the wait seemed like an eternity. Finally the day had come. It was July 21st. I was at work sitting at my desk. An email appeared from children’s of youth organization, with subject line titled paternity test. I opened the email and it turned out I was the father. 

My life had changed overnight. 
I was a father to a precious little girl.


In that moment I felt a whirlwind of feelings: anger, confusion, fear, happiness, excitement, anxiousness - probably ever emotion imaginable. My phone had been ringing off the hook but I could not speak to anyone. I cried at my desk and sat still. My life had changed overnight. I was a father to a precious little girl. Not too long after, I received a follow up call from the children's organization and they only had one question: ”Do you want custody of your daughter?” Without hesitation, I said "Yes." After going through the process and a series of legal events, I was granted custody of my daughter and was given the right to name her. On that day of August 1st, I held my daughter for the first time. I knew then, that everything that I was had to change, and it was step up time for sure. 

It has been 8 years now.


It’s been 8 years now and we are still going strong. Being immersed in the joys and responsibility of fatherhood, I had not opened up publicly about my side of this experience. I now feel an obligation to come forward and talk about my experience with the hopes to inspire others, not just in the arena of parenting but in life to go for what you believe in, even when the odds are stacked against you. If my daughter ever gets a chance to read this, I want her to know that I never gave up on her and never will. I hope my belief in my daughter will inspire her to go forward and believe in her own self and dreams. Becoming a father has taught me so much about life and myself. My daughter has been a teacher to me as I am to her. While I am blessed and proud to be her father, I realize that the victory and glory is not mine, but God’s, as it was his divine plan in the beginning.

Becoming a father has taught me
so much about life and myself.

While this situation isn't easy; sadly, it's not unique. Marriage is difficult. Parenting is difficult. Having a baby is a uniquely difficult time in the life of mom and dad. But, we must remember that it is vital to the baby, that both mom AND dad be involved before and after pregnancy. We know from research that a dad's involvement is vital to a child's well-being.

We at NFI spend a lot of our time creating tip cards, brochures, and pocket guides to help dads and moms understand these very facts - and as I read Jamal's story, I saw the pieces falling into place. There are so many benefits for everyone involved when mom helps to ensure dad is involved from the start:

  1. Think Baby: 
    Your child benefits from Dad's involvement the moment he or she is born and the benefits continue through adulthood.
    • Healthy Development: A child with an involved dad has been shown to do better on tests of emotional, social, and mental development. Involved dads have been shown to increase weight gain in preterm infants (preemies) and increase the change that mom will breastfeed. 
    • Success in School: a child of an involved dad does better in school, on average, than a child who grows up without an involved dad. They're more likely to get A's, behave well, and less likely to drop out of school. 
    • Good Physical Health: Involved dads who are active and have a healthy weight are more likely to have a child who is active and have a healthy weight which is vital to avoiding many diseases such as diabetes.
    • Good Behavior: a child with an involved dad is less likely to smoke, use drugs, become or get someone pregnant as a teen, or engage in violent and other risky behavior. 
    • Well-Being and Success as an Adult: a child with an involved dad is more likely ot have higher self-esteem.
       
  2. Think Mom:
    Mom benefits from dad's involvement from the moment mom becomes pregnant. Really!
    • Good pregnancy: when dad is involved in moms' pregnancy, mom is more likely to attend pre-natal visits. Mom is less likely to have health problems while pregnant, such as anemia and high blood pressure.  
    • Less Stress for Her: an involved dad reduces moms' stress. It's easier to talk with an involved dad about ways to help reduce stress. 
    • Better Family Finances: an involved dad is more likely to work harder and earn more money. 
    • Better Marriage/Relationship: When both parents share the load of raising a child, it reduces the stress on both parents. Less stress leads to a better marriage and relationship.
       
  3. Think Dad:
    Dad benefits from his involvement from the moment mom becomes pregnant. These benefits include some of the sames ones that mom receives, includingbetter family finances and a better marriage relationship.
    • Early Bonding With Child: When dad prepares to be a dad while mom is pregnant, he is better able to bond with his child and more likely to be involved as his child ages. Studies show that when dad is involved leading up to and during the birth of his child, his oxytocin or "bonding hormone" rises while his testosterone or "wandering hormone" declines.
    • Better Health and Well-Being for Him: An involved dad is more healthy emotionally and physically. He is more likely to go to the doctor when sick and for regular check-ups. 
    • More Giving: Being a dad can help dad be  more giving to family and the community. The involved dad is more likely to be social, volunteer, and spend time doing things like attending church and helping the community.
    • Success at Work: The involved dad's child is more likely to succeed, to advance, and advance more quickly in his or her career. The skills dad develops while raising a child is the same skill that helps him succeed at work.

Let Jamal's story encourage and remind you that everyone wins when a child has an involved dad. Oh, and, it's never too late to start being involved.

How involved was your dad? How did his involvement or non-involvement affect you?  

PB_NewMoms_220x170

 

Like this blog post? Consider our Pocketbook for New Moms™: a Pocketbook Full of Reasons for New Moms to Involve Dads

 

 

Note: the story above was submitted solely by Jamal and does not reflect any opinions from NFI.

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]

There are 2.7 million children with a parent in prison or jail. Ninety-five (95%) of all inmates will eventually be released. Ninety-two percent (92%) of parents in prison are fathers. Most—2 out of 3 inmates—will reoffend and be back in prison.

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]

When it comes to fatherhood and prison, we are locking too many dads in jail with little to no help. The fathers behind bars are not connecting with their families from behind prison walls or upon release. These dads need help. They need our help or they are likely to reoffend.  

The father absence crisis in America is real. When we talk about father absence, we mention the U.S. Census Bureau's statistic that 24 million children—one out of three—live without their dad in the home. Over 13,000 of you have viewed The Father Absence Crisis in America. We received lots of feedback on that post. Some readers said, "Great, now we know the problem; what's the solution?"

Well, the truth is, there's one answer: The solution to father absence is father presence. Our job here is done. You're welcome. Please visit our donate page....oh wait, that's not enough information, you say? You need more? We thought you might need a more helpful response to this problem. So, we decided to break down the problem into workable numbers and be sure you know what NFI is doing to fix the problem.

Here's what you need to know 

  1. There is a crisis in America. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 24 million children in America—one out of three—live without their biological dad in the home.
  2. There is a “father factor” in nearly all of the societal issues facing America today. We must realize there is a father absence crisis in America and begin to raise more involved, responsible, and committed fathers.

Fathers Behind Bars:
The Problem for America's Children

Here is the problem related to father absence and prison in two stats:

    1. There are 2.7 million children with a parent in prison or jail. Tweet: 2.7 million children have a parent in prison or jail. Here's The Problem & Solution for America's children: http://ctt.ec/P6HqW+
    2. Ninety-two (92%) of parents in prison are fathers.
Having a parent who is incarcerated is now recognized as an “adverse childhood experience” (ACE), which is different from other ACEs because of the trauma, stigma, and shame it inflicts on children.

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]

The number of children with a father in prison has grown by 79% since 1991.

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]

Incarceration often spans generations.

  • Fathers in prison are, overwhelmingly, fatherless themselves.
  • Youths in father-absent households have significantly higher odds of incarceration.
  • More than 650,000 ex-offenders are released from prison every year.
  • Fathers are returning to their families without the skills they need to be involved, responsible, and committed fathers.
  • Two-thirds of released prisoners, or 429,000, are likely to be rearrested within three years.

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]

Recidivism is a huge, national problem. 

Fathers Behind Bars:
The Solution for America's Children

NFI's InsideOut Dad® program for incarcerated fathers connects dads in prison with their children, heart to heart. InsideOut Dad® is the only evidence-based parenting program designed specifically for incarcerated fathers. An evaluation conducted by Rutger's University found that fathers who went through InsideOut Dad® while in prison showed statistically significant increases in fathering knowledge and confidence/self-esteem compared to a control group.

InsideOut Dad® addresses criminogenic needs, a key factor in:

1) Reducing Recidivism: Reentry initiatives that contain NFI's fatherhood programs have been found to reduce recidivism by 37%.

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]

We can all agree it is ideal for men to get out of prison or jail, become a successful, contributing member of society, and stay out. Giving incarcerated fathers a vision that they have a unique and irreplaceable role in the life of their child along with increased confidence and changes in attitude and skills is a powerful motivator for successful reentry. Fathers who are involved with, and connected with their children and families prior to release are less likely to return to jail or prison. In fact, some individual states have conducted evaluations that connect the use of IoD along with other interventions to reduced recidivism.

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]

Recidivism WITH fatherhood programs 24% 
VERSUS 
Recidivism WITHOUT fatherhood programs 38%

2) Maintaining Facility Safety and Order

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]


It has been said, “Idleness is a devil’s workshop”. Facility safety is of utmost importance in the corrections environment and benefits the Prison/Jail warden(s) as well as fellow inmates. Fatherhood Programs in particular can help to engage inmates and encourage good behavior. By connecting inmates to their role as a man, and specifically as a father, they are more engaged in that aspect of their life and in turn, can help to create a peaceful, contented environment as much as possible.

In addition, men who participate in fatherhood groups often create a bond among members, which generates good morale. Good morale is important for safety and there are less disciplinary infractions.

By connecting with their children, incarcerated fathers are motivated to maintain good behavior to keep visiting rights, which is beneficial for both the facility and correctional officers working with them. In addition, research shows that fathers who connect with their children (and families) prior to release have a higher likelihood of staying out of jail/prison.

InsideOut Dad® addresses the marital/family domain that is concerned with an offender's family relationships, including:

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]

A study by the Vera Institute of Justice found the strongest predictor of success upon reentry was the perception by the person released that he/she had family support.

Why does all of this matter? Well, because you and I are paying for what doesn't work and we have been for years. 

It's time for a solution that's cost effective for taxpayers and facilities: InsideOut Dad® program costs just $600 for the first 10 fathers, then sustained at only $10 per father. Because the program can contribute to reduced recidivism among fathers, the potential cost savings are huge. It costs an average of $29,000 per year to incarcerate a parent.

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]

It costs an average of $29,000 per year to incarcerate a parent.

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]

InsideOut Dad® program costs $600 for the first 10 fathers, then sustained at only $10 per father.

Be a Part of The Solution. Visit Fatherhood.org/iod to download a sample of InsideOut Dad®.

Click here to enlarge this infographic.

Fathers Behind Bars: The Problem & Solution for America's Children [Infographic]


Share this Image On Your Site
IOD_2nd_kit_500

Download a sample of our popular InsideOut Dad® resource and learn how you can connect an incarcerated father to his child.

 

How to Avoid Being a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Dad

I screened this new family film from Disney last Saturday. Normally it works out that my wife and daughters can join me. But, with all the weekend activities of two kids in school nowadays, this movie got screened by me, myself, and I. Sitting alone in the dark movie theater presented me with an interesting opportunity to not just watch the movie, but to consider my role in the family. Here's what I mean...

alex_profile_03Don't get me wrong, I generally enjoy chasing my youngest daughter down long theater halls, running for the third trip to the restroom or to get popcorn...again. But this alone time provided me with the chance to consider the meaning behind the comedy. This movie is silly. It's funny. Everything goes wrong in one day for this fine family. Think Money Pit but with a family instead of a house. And it's somehow funny because it's happening to another family—not yours. Watching, you somehow connect because it's real. You've seen this day before. 

Although Ben Cooper (Steve Carell) plays the dad and his children are a little older than mine, I watched this film from his eyes. Quick back-story: Ben Cooper is a rocket scientist who's been laid off from his position. He's new to the day job of being home. But, as we watch, he's fumblin' and stumblin' his way through. While he isn't perfect, he's there.

I was reminded throughout the film of my role as dad. This movie says important things about dads. As dads, we can't be perfect, but we can be present. As I watched the Cooper's have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, three things jumped out at me—things to avoid so as not to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dad.  

alexander-and-the-terrible1

1) Stay Positive.
Mr. Cooper knows how to stay positive. Here's a man who has been unemployed for while and he manages to stay positive with his wife and kids through it all. We see him handling all the family chores like a boss; all while dealing with a teen son, a teen daughter, a young son (Alexander), and an infant son.

His life is hectic like yours and mine. But he manages to keep it positive. Oh how I needed to see this reminder in my life! Let's just say in my family I'm often "the realist" to a fault! I want my home to be a fun atmosphere where my daughters are comfortable talking to me. Right now, I think that's true. But, I tend to be a ball of negativity. If I'm ever postitive, it's probably just because my girls are so young right now. Watching Ben relate to his teen son and daughter gave me hope it's possible to be positive, yet realistic, and parent teens.

alexander-and-the-terrible

2) Stay Calm.
I don't stay calm well. There, I said it. I'm basically a baby. Shh, don't tell anyone. When something doesn't go as planned, I'm an upset, whiny baby. Many times in this movie, we see Ben isn't in control. Mimicking real life, Ben has to let some things play themselves out. I should better at staying calm. Are you a calm dad? If so, good for you. To be real, by the time I'm home from work and traffic, the smallest thing can really bother me. I think my home would be a much more relaxed place if I was more calm about life in general. Are you able to "take things as they come"? Maybe we can all learn something from Ben here. Whether it's your teens' failed driver's test or an alligator in your living room, Ben seems to be the go-with-the-flow type of dad. This serves him well.

downloads_gifs_roo

3) Never Give Up.

Whether you're having the bad day like the Cooper's or not, you as dad should have the mindset of Ben. He is the leader by example. I can't give away the film; but, let's just say, at his personal lowest, he's still the leader of his family. I didn't cry on this one part. Nope. There might have been a lump in my throat. But, no, no tears, promise! Here's the point: never give up! You're the dad. No matter how low you get, you're still the example. How you react to situations is being watched. You can be discouraged. You can be sad. But you can't give up. You can't quit...not if you're trying to avoid being a bad dad.

You are not perfect and you will never be perfect; especially as a dad. But, I left the theater realizing that being perfect doesn't matter. We will fix the father absence crisis by father presence. For all the silly and funny things that happened in this film we see a dad who is present. We see a dad who doesn't have all the answers. He doesn't nor can he fix everything...but he is there. He is present. The longer I'm a dad, the longer I work for this fine fatherhood organization, the longer I hear stories of good and bad dads and situations...and the answer of how to avoid being a bad dad is to show up. Beyond staying positive, staying calm, and never giving up, we must show up! When you are involved, responsible and committed, there is no terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day for your child.

Have you ever had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day? We'll offer fatherhood counseling in the comments!

Download "The Ultimate Guide to Connecting with your Child"! 

Connecting_with_your_child_cover

This free ebook is designed to help you and your children become closer and more connected. Use it for yourself or share it with other dads.

In this free ebook we share:

  • The best questions to ask your school-aged child to get him or her talking
  • Great questions you can ask your teenager
  • Questions you can ask yourself to be sure you're doing all you should to be a great dad

Use this ebook to help you and the dads you know connect with your kids in a meaningful way.

The Father Factor Blog: News, tips, and tools for dads and those helping dads.

Search Our Blog

Topics